Dear readers, I thought to share this informative piece I got from BMWK website,Enjoy reading.....Why are failure, disappointment, betrayal, frustration and
on-going conflict too often “part for the course” for marriage?I’ve found that there are delusional,
faulty beliefs, and Love Lies, that we can inherit that can lead to
marriage ruin.There are four (4) particular Love Lies
that are often the main culprits.
Love Lie #1: The Kids Should be the Centerpiece of
the Marriage
If we’re not mindful, we can look up and
the child/children have become the focus of all of our attention and
energy, while the marriage
takes second seat, and can easily get neglected (this applies in blended
families, too).
Over time, there’s less and less quality
time spent enjoying each other’s company, without the kid/kids present; and
physical intimacy can easily become a rarity.
We can look up and the “soul” of our
relationship is starving and it’s thirsty for nourishment.
Strive to keep the well-being of your
marriage at the center of your focus, and watch how your kids also benefit.
Our children are actually buoyed and
energized by the existence of a visible healthy love connection between the
mother and father in the home.
It creates stability, where they can be
at ease and feel secure. It’s a win-win.
Love Lie #2: He Should Already Know
I call Love Lie #2 the HSAK Syndrome – He Should Already Know. What
should he already know, according to wives? He should already know, without us
having to tell him or ask, what we want him to do, especially around the house
or in relation to the kids. He should already know my likes and dislikes (and
we know that these certainly change) without me telling him. If he doesn’t
know, we often falsely conclude that he doesn’t care, doesn’t love us as much,
or is less invested in the marriage or the kids, and in turn we can become
resentful. We must realize that men are made differently, think differently,
and are wired differently.
Remember this, he probably doesn’t know. And this doesn’t mean the
end of the world. Or that he’s bad or uncaring. It means that you get to be
literal, direct and specific; you get to tell him, or even better yet, get good
at asking.
Love Lie #3: Longevity means that the Relationship is deeply
satisfying, fulfilling and JUICY
How many times have we heard a married couple mention how many years they’ve
been married, and if the number of years is “up there,” meaning 20 years or
more, we automatically say “CONGRATULATIONS!” We tend to automatically equate
longevity of a marriage with the quality of the relationship. However, a couple
can be married for decades and have experienced constant frustration, and more
pain than pleasure. The marriage is “dry” instead of juicy. A juicy marriage is one where both
partners are deeply satisfied and fulfilled. Remember, it’s not the number of
years but the quality of the connection that matters most. Longevity alone does
not equal a good marriage.
Love Lie #4: If communication is taking place, this automatically
means that comprehension and understanding are as well.
How many times have we heard talk show relationships experts repeat the
mantra, “Communication is the key.” Well, if it is the key, why have so few of
us found the lock?
I now realize that for many years of my marriage, I spoke only Womanese, my
“native” pattern and style of communication
as a woman, and I didn’t speak Manese to my husband – a man’s unique
sub-language. Now I realize that I was not speaking a “language” that
my husband could comprehend, though his ears could hear the
words I was saying.
Now I’m “bi-lingual” and “fluent”
in both Manese and Womanese. Now, instead of speaking to my husband
using Womanese concepts, generalities, inferring, or assuming, I now use words
that are literal, direct and specific when I speak to him. I’ve learned to stop
jumping to conclusions like “He’s not listening” or “What I’m saying isn’t
important to him.” I’ve also learned to stop making him wrong if I don’t get
the desired response, to have more patience, and to recognize that sometimes my
timing is poor. OH, WHAT A POSITIVE DIFFERENCE it’s made.
Source:Black and Married With Kids(BMWK)
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